I need to not let cosmetics counter people rope me into trying like 20 products rapid fire. I took a nap when I got home from the mall (after washing the LAYERS of serums, lotions, and make-up off) and when I woke up from my nap my eyes were GOOPED SHUT. Obviously I had a terrible allergic reaction to the 3 layers of eye cream this woman put on me. Ugh. It was gross. It was like how you’d wake up if you have two pink eye infections, the flu, and seasonal allergies all at once. No thank you.

On the bright side, though, the NICEST people work at Express here and apparently Express pants fit me like a goddamn dream. My ass looks fantastical in the trouser jeans and black slacks I walked out with. Happy. I also got Clinique and Origins stuff because obviously that’s not going to glue my eyes shut every day.